What Saved Me When I Became a Single Mom.....Again.

I became a single mom, twice.  And something so simple, saved me.

Let me give you a quick background, in case you don't know my story.  I was married for 10 years, to the only man I had ever loved up to that point.  I completed nursing school our first two years of marriage and another year 2 years after I graduated we had our first little girl Kennedy.  She had a very fixable birth defect where her intestines were outside of her abdomen. But that's a story for another blog post.  She did great and is now a happy, healthy beautiful almost 10 year old.

 Taylor Rae came 5 years later after some marriage struggles and fertility struggles.  She was such a blessing and we were so grateful to welcome her into our lives and give Kennedy the sister she had been longing for. 

My next pregnancy was a bit of a surprise especially since I had a difficult time getting pregnant in the past and had been through several miscarriages.  We were excited to find out it was a boy!  

Two weeks before I delivered Gage, I found out information that would ultimately lead to the end of my marriage.  There is no doubt in my mind that my sweet boy was sent to me directly from heaven at the exact time I needed him in my life.

As difficult as it was to be a single mom almost instantly after delivering my 3rd baby, he comforted me and healed my broken heart every single day.  And he still does.

That first year I was in survival mode.  I had a brand new baby, a 2 year old and a busy 7 year old.  I had gone back to work part time as a nurse, where before I was just working once a week.  Almost exactly a year after my divorce I decided to sell my house and find something more manageable for busy a single mom.  I also got engaged.  It was a very crazy time to say the least.  

A short four months later, that second marriage fell apart.  We went our separate ways, chalking it up to a big mistake and wished each other well.  

So once again I became a single mom.  Even in those 4 months, I got used to having a partner. The first few months I was in survival mode again, moved again, but this time decided I was done just surviving.  

Now let me explain something real quick.  The thing about being a single mom, is it's definitely not ALL bad!  There are wonderful beautiful things about it I cherish and love.  My time with my kids is 100% mine.  We can do whatever we want without the opinions of anyone else.  And while it's hard managing them all alone, we still manage and we have tons of fun!  Yes, it would for sure be easier with two adults, but we adapt and that alone shows my kids that we can make the best of any situation, even when it is not ideal.

But let me tell you what, it is still exhausting.  Being a parent single or not is simply exhausting at times. But at the end of the day, when kids are in bed, that's where being single for me became the hardest.  And while the quiet break is much needed and relished in, it's too quiet at times.  One single friend of mine quite dramatically but appropriately called those times alone, whether at night or while kids are away with the other parent, the '"silent chambers."  And while I may have teased him about the dramatics of that statement, it was often times how I felt.  No one to talk about the cute things the kids did that day, to commiserate in the toddler tantrums that were only survived by an act of God.  

It was lonely. I had friends and family that were wonderful, but when your used to the companionship of a spouse, it's just different.  The times when kids were away with their dad and evenings when they were in bed and I felt like I was on house arrest, were times that in the beginning were extremely difficult.  Those were the times when self destructive and negative thoughts would creep in.  I would relive recent events, hold on to anger and resentment, and spiral down into the viscous "why me" cycle. 

That's when I decided to take control, and use what I had to make the best of my situation.  I had been depressed that I couldn't run in the early mornings with my friends like I used to when I was married.  I accepted that there would be a time in my life when I could again do that but this was not the season in my life for that.  I began working out at home and being involved in Beachbody challenge groups with my cousin and coach Brigitte Linford.  

I decided to jump into coaching, hoping if nothing else it would give me the accountability to stay consistent with working out and eating well myself.  I had no idea the mental transformation that would take place would be the most valuable.  

Having a community of other challengers and coaching all supporting and cheering each other on to reach their goals, not only health and fitness, but lifestyle and business goals as well gave me strength I didn't even know I needed as badly as I did.

I began running my own challenge groups.  Having a sense of purpose, helping others to see what they are truly capable of is truly one of the most rewarding things I have been involved in.  There had been so many things in my life that have helped me to feel empowered to accomplish the things I have needed to. Helping others find their fire, feel empowered, and gain confidence in what we are all truly capable of gave me such purpose and helped me to feel like my life had more value.  

Now don't get me wrong, the work we do as mothers is incredibly valuable and rewarding.  Also the work I do as a nurse can be rewarding as well.  But the problem with these are they are service oriented.  We are constantly giving, serving, and we often times forget to fill our own cup before we empty it again into the cups of our children, patients, or whoever.  

Personal Development is a HUGE piece of the puzzle when it comes to helping others reach their goals.  People do what you do, more than they will do what you say.  Improving myself mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually DAILY has helped me to become a better mom, a better friend, a better sister, a better nurse a better co-worker a better Beachbody Coach and an all over better person.  

We HAVE to take time to focus on ourselves and do things to feed and fuel our minds and bodies daily.  Things that will give us the confidence to do the hard things we are faced with daily. Things that will give me perspective on a bigger picture.  That kids will grow up, hard times don't last forever, tomorrow is a new day to start fresh, the person that offended you or is driving you crazy is just doing the best they know how.  

So what was it that SAVED me as a single mom?  I filled my cup daily, with a podcasts, audiobooks, books, articles or videos that would motivate me, teach me something new, and give me self confidence. I would also fill my cup with a workout, not only for the physical benefits but to give me a clear mind and a positive attitude.  THEN I would share how I was filling my cup with others.  That's it. Something so simple, taking care of myself first so I could better attend to others.  Filling my cup daily, and then supporting others.  Others in turn support me and the COMMUNITY that is built is something pretty amazing.  

Filling my cup is a small part of my day, but it helps my entire day go more smoothly.  I hope that my kids can see that taking care of ourselves is such a huge part of being able to take care of others.  Reaching our potential is something we should always be striving for.

I am grateful for the place my life has brought me to.  The twists and turns have been rough to say the least.  It's nothing like I imagined my life to be, but is it really ever? My struggles are becoming my strengths and I'm so grateful I was able to see the opportunity in front of me to improve myself.  

This "silly" little hobby called Beachbody has truly been a catalyst in me finding my true self.  I am a work in progress.  I feel like I will always be.  But I know more about myself and where I want to be, than I did a year ago.  I'm improving each day and can see more clearly than ever what I want my life to look like.

Please reach out to me if you are at all interested on more details of my challenge groups or coaching.  I love this process and fell in love with the community, and I think you will too.  

What am I doing and why?

I am a mother, a fitness lover, a sister, a friend, a motivator, a business owner, a registered nurse, a cookie lover, a vegetable eater, a daughter, a hiker, I love to laugh, and most importantly I am ME!

After my marriage of 10 years ended, I found myself in the middle of an unwanted, unplanned identity crisis.  My world suddenly was not what I had planned or hoped it would be.

My diet at the time consisted of two main food groups. Diet coke and cookies. My biggest struggle was learning to be OK with myself.  I had to learn a whole new way to carry myself as a single mother.  I didn’t want to accept the fact that this was my life let alone OWN it!

After a quickie rebound second marriage of 4 months failed, I found myself at my lowest of lows. I guess you could call it rock bottom.   It had been a bout a year and a half since my life had drastically changed and I had lived a lot of life during that time.  I decided it was time to take control of my own destiny and start living the life I had always dreamed of.

So much had happened to me that I felt like was out of my control. I even felt at times that the choices I was making were the fault of others as well, because I was put in a position to have to make those difficult choices.  But oh, how wrong I was.

I finally saw the light and started reading personal development.  AHA moment after AHA moment began to flood my mind with positive thoughts and affirmations to myself that I AM worth the beautiful, happy, fulfilling life I had always dreamed of.  I can treat myself,  my mind and body better by taking care of it physically with good nutrition and amazing fitness, and feeding my mind with goodness to help me progress, learn and grow each day.

But I wasn’t going to achieve it like I thought all of those other “lucky” people had it handed to them, or just “fell” into ideal situations.  I was going to  work hard and CREATE my own happiness.

I am now on this amazing and beautiful journey, helping others commit to a healthier, happier lifestyle through accepting themselves, focusing on the positive, celebrating successes and paying it forward.

Thank you for joining me on my journey!

3 Ways to ACTUALLY STICK to your New Years Resolutions

Did you know I used to think New Years Resolutions were  ridiculous?  'That's right, I was totally a hater on people who were constantly talking about  big plans and monstrous unreasonable goals.   But while I sat back being annoyed  by people making big plans, because the pessimist in me thought, "no way that will every happen" I was joining right in as the silent hypocrite judging people's character and abilities.  I would say, I will lose weight, be more consistent with working out, read more books, be more kind and patient with my family and friends and so on.  But as the years passed I saw little improvement in myself.  So what is the difference between people who achieve their goals and those who make the same ones over and over only to never see lasting change?

I am no expert and far from perfect but I have learned a few things that have helped me to have a new perspective on HOW and WHY I make my goals.

I bought into a common misconception that specific goals weren't necessary.  I felt like I worked hard as a nurse, tried to be a good mom, and did my best to be a good person.  Not a BAD way to live your life by any means, but I wasn't growing or actively learning.  Any growth or progress I made was made passively by allowing things to happen to me rather than taking my own personal growth into my own hands.  As I went through my divorce I knew that even though things had happened in my life that were out of my control, I STILL controlled how my life went from that point forward.  Lot's of mistakes were made and I'm still making them but the real AHA moment came for me when I realized that even though I knew I had the ability to create the life I wanted I needed to take ACTION.  And that's where GOALS came into play.  But not just a WISH or a HOPE that things would get better or be different but a PLAN.

By setting SMART goals we have a much greater chance of actually achieving what we set out to accomplish.  Instead of saying "I want to lose weight" or "I need to get healthy", the goal should be specific like "I need to lose 10 lbs, or lower my cholesterol, or blood pressure by X amount.  Putting the specifics to it makes them more real and gives them tangibility and helps us visualize ourselves once we reach our goals.  Realistic, something within our capabilities.  But don't let this hold you back.  Remember to dream big!  Your goals should be a little scary, if not, they are not stretching you out of your comfort zone and we miss out on the opportunity to grow and see what we are truly capable of.  In fact one of my goals for this year is to continually make new goals each month!  Without a goal what are we working towards?  If we are not working towards something we are not growing.

Here are 3 things I am going to implement this year to help me STICK to my goals.  Including my new goals I make each month!

1. HAVE A PLAN - What good is a goal if we don't map out the way in which we are going to make it happen! What things am I going to do EVERY DAY that will help me reach my goal?  What small tasks do I need to make a MUST instead of a SHOULD?  There is POWER in a plan!  A goal without a PLAN OF ACTION has little hope of becoming reality.
2. DONT GIVE UP WHEN YOU HAVE SETBACK - How often do we give up so quickly because we fell short?  I've seen the quote floating around the internet, "Giving up on your goals is like getting a flat tire and slashing the other 3 tires."  Just because we set out to workout 5 days a week and we missed and entire week doesn't mean our goals are suddenly out of reach or not important to us anymore?  Don't let mistakes and imperfections discourage you to the point of giving up.  JUST KEEP GOING!
3. SEEK AFTER MOTIVATION - As a Beachbody coach I run virtual fitness accountability groups. When I am talking to potential challengers about these groups, THE most common reservation people express to me is "I need to find the motivation" or "I'm just not motivated" or "I wish I could be more motivated"  NEWSFLASH!!! MOTIVATION DOES NOT FALL FROM THE SKY LIKE A METEOR!   We have to search out what motivates us!  Our minds our biggest asset and biggest enemy!  We must convince our mind that this is so important to us, nothing will stand in our way!  Figuring out WHY a goal is important and continually reminding ourselves of our WHY daily will help you become unstoppable!!  For example we might set our goal to lose weight in 2015.  But WHY?  Because we want to look better?  Go DEEPER!  Is it because you want to live a healthier life?  Be around longer for your kids?  Be able to be more active with your families in the long run?  Is it for the mental clarity and wellbeing that physical fitness provides??  Whatever ever your goal may be the MORE PASSIONATE you are about it and the more you seek out daily to REMAIN passionate about your goals, the more you will surprise yourself with what you are truly capable of.